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Christmas? Already?!

Posted on December 24, 2009 at 9:00 AM

Merry Christmas!

I truly hope that this Christmastime brings you all that you are wishing for yourself.

Me? I'm still reeling from the fact that it's been 7 - yes, seven!! - months since I last wrote. You must have been bored out of your brain, waiting for me to get to it!

Well, Christmas is always the time of year that I reflect on time past. I know, most people tend to do that at New Year, but of course with my being different from most people it only seems right that I do it backwards way on!

This year has been one of change for me. 2009 will forever be a pivotal year - much like 2001, 1999, 1992 - major events that have altered the course of my path, pushed me down a different fork in the road than perhaps I had intended.

The goodbyes have been difficult, but then parting from those we care about always is. But the hellos have been warm, and the friends I have made are all the more welcome for being unexpected.

January and February will forever remain tinged with dark colours; I am not yet at the point where I am able to say that I have conquered the fears I faced, but I can say that at least they no longer have the same hold.

March and April were particularly dark months, and the changes I wrought on my life and the lives of those closest to me were some of the hardest steps I have ever taken.

The excitement of visiting Portugal - you'll have to take a look at the photographs on my FaceBook page - wiped most everything from my mind in June, before the major changes erupted less than 2 months later.

Though the view from my window has changed, my heart is light, and I feel peaceful.

If we go with the homily "life is a journey", then the view should always change a little - it's just that this year it changed quickly and radically. I'm excited by those changes, and happy. What more could a person want for Christmas, but the happiness within that comes from knowing you're doing what's right for you?

I wish that for you, too. I haven't sent cards this year, and couldn't afford to send gifts, so this is my gift to you: I wish you happiness and courage - courage to make the changes that need to be made to attain the happiness you deserve. Take heart, gird yourself, and do what is right for you. How can you make anyone else happy, if your heart is heavy and your soul is weeping?

Happy Christmas, my friend. I wish you love, joy and peace at this time and always.

That time already

Posted on May 26, 2009 at 11:15 AM

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I can't believe that it is May, already! More to the point, I can't believe that it's almost the end of May, and that my holiday is very nearly here.

Which is the reason for this post. The time seems to have flown by - every day bringing joy and sorrow, though not in equal measure. Already, this year has begun to be one of the worst in recent times.

However, that is definitely going to change. Because I said so. Although I could, in retrospect, have done without going away right now, with so many things up in the air, and my whole life in turmoil, I find that that is a really good reason why I should be going away.

I intend to use this time to pause - to do some thinking about what I want in the midst of all the turmoil and indecision from others. I need to begin to make decisions for myself, and not base them on the thoughts and feelings that everyone else wants me to take into account.

Being a great distance away will help with that. I'm going with a friend who has no expectations from me, apart from just being a friend. And that will help, should I need a sounding board.

I was told recently that everyone has an agenda; at least with my friend, Hazel, I know that is not true.

So. I'll post some pics when I return, and will let you all know how I've got on. I am so ready for this time - well, in spirit if not in actuality, seeing as how I'm going to be spending the rest of the day ironing! - so will talk with you all in June.

Take care of you.

Inspiration

Posted on April 17, 2009 at 4:43 PM

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I know that everyone is talking about Susan Boyle, and I'm afraid I'm no different.

And it's because she is so very inspiring. She challenges us to look at ourselves, and see ourselves in a whole new way. I don't know about you, but I find myself lacking.

I was going to post a link to the YouTube site for you to watch the clip of her singing again, but I figure that by now you'll already have seen her, and probably more than once.

Everyone - the 3 judges included - was mocking her. There was no support - even Ant and Dec seemed to be waiting to laugh at her. But when she opened her mouth and began to sing - when the audience shot to their feet, applauding and shouting, marvelling at the beauty of her voice - I realised then that I had done exactly the same: I had judged her by how she looked. And I don't like that about me.

I pride myself on being better than that, on being the kind of person who accepts people as they are rather than how they may look. Turns out, if we're honest, each and every one of us is as shallow as the other. I was humbled by her talent, and grateful to have been shown a valuable lesson.

I truly hope that this lady has a wonderful time ahead of her. I don't want her to change; I loved her exactly as she was, so excited and so delighted with all of the attention. Perhaps it will mean more to her because she is not a child, because she has nursed her mother and never been kissed. I don't know. But whatever happens in her life, I hope she enjoys every single moment of it.

And if I ever get the chance to meet her, I would like to say thank you to her.

She is, and will continue to be, an inspiration. Good luck to her!

Positively speaking

Posted on February 16, 2009 at 9:00 PM

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Obviously, because I haven't been going to work, I've had a lot more time on my hands. I mean, 24/7 is a lot of time!

And I've been spending a great deal of that time thinking about my life, our life, and where we should be going, what I want to be doing. What I am doing is realising that I'm not where I thought I was going to be.

It's not a bad place - I have a great many friends, and some family, and I have a job that I enjoy. I have a husband who is also my best friend, and I have 2 cats who have decided that we're not too bad to live with.

So don't think this is another whingeing blog, because it isn't. Really. It's just a place to start, I guess.

A favourite author of mine has said that you have to think positive; to be successful, you need to think yourself there. So I've been trying to do this. The person I want to be wouldn't do that, so I won't do it now and I will be the person I want to be. If that makes sense.

And talking with Paul the other day, it suddenly fell into place. I realised how very pessimistic we've become, always looking on the dark side. "Hope for the best but be ready for the worst" sounds great, but in reality doesn't that mean that we're always actually anticipating that it's going to be the worst?

So. Knowing that I thought the worst was going to happen just a few short weeks ago, and obviously it didn't (otherwise, how freaky would this blog be?) means that I'm feeling more open to the good things.

I've decided that I'm going to think positively. I've started writing again (and am loving it) and I'm thinking only positive thoughts about it. And it really seems to be flowing. My health seems to be improving in leaps and bounds, because again I'm thinking positively about it.

I go on holiday in May - I am sooooooo looking forward to the break! - and I am positive I shall be very much lighter, much fitter and certainly have a more toned body.

I am being positive that you all will understand where I'm coming from and try this for yourselves. After all, if I can do it so can you. Be positive, act positively and you will feel it.

Let me know how you get on.

Enough is enough!

Posted on February 7, 2009 at 3:40 PM

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I realised this morning - whilst whingeing because the new phone I've ordered has yet to arrive! - that I am an exceptionally lucky person.

No no no, I haven't won the lottery (no begging emails, please!) and we haven't suddenly been given huge pay rises. No, I mean we're lucky in that we are able to have all of these gadgets around us.

Okay, let me explain: I am writing on a lap-top (much prefer this to the large, desk-bound computer), we have a huuuuuuuge TV (47"!) with dvd player with surround-sound, we have cable TV and a PS3 that allows us to play blu-ray discs, I have a Nintendo Wii (I love it - tennis has never been so accessible!). Both my husband and I have mobile phones already, even tho' I am upgrading to a Blueberry (when it gets here!); we both drive and have our own cars.

But with all those gadgets and grown-up toys, do we really need them? I'm sat downstairs (supposedly recuperating!) and Paul is upstairs on his computer. We are both members of Facebook, and doesn't it tell you something when we have to read what the other is thinking? There isn't a conversation between us - I can sometimes hear him tapping on the keyboard, and I'm sure he would say the same. But we've lost something, don't you think?

I know - I sound as tho' I'm complaining, and I'm really not. Just pondering. And maybe this has come about because I am unable to log onto my email at the moment, and maybe you think I'm just rambling. But, when I see the pictures on the TV of the starving people in the world, and all those who have nothing - it puts into perspective the kind of lifestyle that we have. And we're not rich in the monetary sense at all.

But we are rich in many other things - and I'm beginning to annoy myself by feeling dissatisfied.

When is it enough? When do we say, no more, I've everything I need?

Bit of a heavy question, I know. But I was just wondering.

Food - Glorious Food!!

Posted on February 5, 2009 at 8:32 AM

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I know you're going to become really bored of hearing me go on about how I've been ill and had an op etc. etc. But I wanted to tell you something today.

I have actually felt my taste-buds get up and dance.

Now this is a special moment. I'm slowly reintroducing things to my diet that I have had to omit for the past months - things that everyone takes for granted. Example? Well, coffee, cheese, (any dairy, really, including butter and yoghurts), anything at all that had a modicum of fat was not to be eaten. And it wasn't because I didn't like them - you have to understand, the amount of pain I was in afterwards; it just wasn't worth trying even a mouthful.

However, just a couple of days ago, I managed to eat some cheese. Not a world-shattering, headlines-inducing thing. But it was marvellous! I'm sure the amount of saliva that suddenly erupted was totally due to my taste-buds crying!

So I'm now aware that I can eat other things. Things I've ruthlessly cut from my diet, and because of which I've lost over a stone in weight.

Only thing is - now I've got to watch my diet because of all these things that I can now eat.

Anyone else see the irony in this?

Laughter is the best medicine - yeah, right!

Posted on February 1, 2009 at 2:35 PM

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I love laughing - I love the whole of it, the anticipation when you know it's staged, and the unpredictability of it when it sneaks up on you.

In fact, don't they say that laughter is the best medicine?

Actually it was quite a revelation to find that nearly everything I watch on TV on any kind of a regular basis, is a comedy of one form or another.

And do you know how I found this out? (You watch, you'll find it funny!) I found this out because at the moment, laughing actually hurts.

Paul, bless him, doesn't realise how much he makes me laugh and has been told to stop it. And he didn't know he was even doing anything! All I can do is hope that I heal really really really quickly, because I realised something else, too: I miss the laughing.

Posted on January 30, 2009 at 6:30 PM

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On many an occasion I have experienced the Universe showing me the opposite of what I have (usually with great cynicism) accepted as a general truth.

Just recently I have felt isolated and alone - very insecure in my own "shell", "sphere", or perhaps you could say "space". No-one's fault but my own, I fully admit. I allowed negative influences to drain my spirit, and it became a self-perpetuating circle of negativity that just wrapped itself around me and wouldn't let go.

I know that much of it had to do with the op, and that my fears were feeding on themselves. But all in all it made for a much more difficult time than I perhaps would have experienced. Mind, the fear would have been there regardless, so I'm only hypothesising here!

However. My point. (I know, after all of that, there had to be a point!) I began to believe that I was wrong - that I had been wrong about people all along.

Okay, for those who don't know me, I'll explain a little.

I'm one of those people who can only see the good in others. I'm the person who will believe that you're a nice person, even when all evidence points to the contrary. I have always believed, wholeheartedly, in the general goodness, decency and compassion of other people.

But someone had shaken this belief. And it takes a lot to shake this one - it comes in the genes, you see, handed down from my father.

Well, okay. In truth, I suppose I allowed this belief to be shaken. But I was shown, today, how very wrong I have been.

Look:

The basket of flowers, balloon and chocolates (that are out of shot, unfortunately, but really wanted you to love the colours of the flowers!) were delivered today. They were sent by everyone with whom I work. Aren't they beautiful?

I am humbled; not only by their wonderful generosity, and obvious caring, but by the Universe in showing me that I was wrong to doubt myself.

This is one of those few occasions where I am admitting I was in the wrong. And very glad to be so!

The Humble Coffee Bean

Posted on January 27, 2009 at 7:00 AM

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I received an email yesterday, from a friend who knows how stressed I am at the moment, and thought I'd share it with you:

Carrots, Eggs & Coffee!

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up.

She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as though every time one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on the gas hob, set to high.

Soon the pots came to boil. In the first sheplaced carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.

She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.

The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water.

Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?'

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.

When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.

When the hour is darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet; enough trials to make you strong; enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was
smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and

everyone around you is crying.

May we all be a coffee bean!

Beautiful, isnt it? We all aspire to be better, to become a person that we like and can live with. And this is a life-long aspiration; continually growing and learning. Because if we don't grow and learn as we walk through our life, then we become stagnate and stale - much like coffee when it is left too long!

I can almost see you shaking your head and thinking this is quite a post - and possibly not in a good way. But you know, sometimes you have to look beyond the surface, to delve beneath, and know that there is something more than what is seen. Because if there is nothing beneath, then all there is to you is a shallow shell.

Think I'm going to try and be that coffee bean!